Sabotage

My decision making process concerning food choices is stuck on repeat. I make the same stupid mistake over and over again. I can't even call it a mistake. A mistake is something that results from committing an act where you weren't aware of the consequences. When I make these poor choices I aware of the consequences and how they make me feel. Sometimes I wonder if it is food addiction, but I think that is going to the extreme. What I suffer from is boredom. I have no reason to be bored. Once I get home from work I have a baby to take care of and a home to maintain. When I get bored I eat. That is not a healthy cause and effect relationship. When I'm bored I should read a book, organize something that I know needs organization, get my son out of the house and take a walk; instead I turn to food because it's right there. All I have to do is walk to the kitchen grab something and have instant satisfaction. The entire time I'm doing it I know I shouldn't because I know how terrible I am going to feel. It makes me feel ashamed. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel foolish. When I eat healthy, make time for exercise and make the right choices I feel invincible. Maybe that seems silly, but it is difficult for me not to turn to food. Goodness, my entire life revolved around food. I've talked about it before. What is easier to get your kids when you're struggling with financials, but what to give them a treat? A Happy Meal. What's something easy to do when you're husband is working two jobs and you are left feeling like a single mother to three children? Make the fastest, simplistic meal possible. I don't fault my parents. I know they tried their best. My mom was just trying to gift us with a luxury she didn't have growing up. My father was just passing on family habits that he learned while growing up. I'm trying to break them now and it's a fight! Making the conscience decision to eat right and be active is a daily struggle that I face every day when I wake up. I'm not addicted to the food, I'm just used to my habits. Changing a habit or creating a new one does not happen overnight. For instance, I've been doing Weight Watchers since August. I have lost 44 pounds since then. It's been about 7 months since I started and it wasn't until recently did I acknowledge I had lost so much weight. I felt like I should have been working harder at it, however I realized the reason why tracking my food didn't feel like "work" was due to the fact that it has become a part of my life. It took me 7 months to feel that way. I don't want to just track food anymore. I don't want to eat a bag of potato chips just because I can and it is within my point range. I want to choose foods that I will not only enjoy, but have a healthier pay off. That is where I am struggling. Add the boredom (which is me getting tired of this routine I created) to the struggle and that is why I make the poor decision every time. I am stronger than that! I went to work 11 days after having my son because I needed to provide for my family after Life threw us a major curve ball. I have stayed strong for every moment my mother has had to go to the hospital, wondering if that visit was her last because she would never come home. I survived the fear that overcomes a person when they learn their mother went into cardiac arrest. At 14 years old I was able to pick up the pieces of my life when it turned upside down after having to move 2,000 miles away from everything and everyone I knew and loved because my family had to. Yet, the ability to make a good choice concerning my health cuts me at the knees. Two weeks ago my week was fantastic. I was 4 pounds away from seeing the 100's again. Last week was horrible and the result was not good. I promised myself that this week would be better, but here it is, Tuesday with nothing but poor choices for the past two days. I still have five days to turn this week around so I vow to do it. A lot can happen in five days. It has to because I am done with the self sabotage. I don't care if I'm bored, stressed, sad, happy or anything else. I will not use food to help. No more of this, I have better things to write about than my constant struggles and defeats related to food and health. I am better than this. Next time I talk about food I am going to talk about how I chose to use it for fuel instead of fun. I'm also going to talk about the new, exciting hobby or activity I completed in food's place. I'm turning off repeat.