Monday, March 31, 2014

Lullaby Thoughts

  Seven months ago my husband and I were blessed with one the greatest gifts God could give us. Welcoming my son into the world was one of the most humbling, rewarding and grandest moments of my life so far. I think back on that day with fondness. My delivery went very well and it's hard to express how grateful I am for that. I was terrified of delivering a baby. TERRIFIED! I'm a wuss when it comes to medical stuff. Just the thought of a needle can make me shiver. Delivering a baby did something for my confidence. I had to rely on my inner strength and knowing that I can dig that deep to accomplish something great gives me an extra pep in my step everyday. Everything after that day feels like a walk in the park at times because I was convinced it was the hardest thing I'd ever do. Wrong. 

   My husband and I weren't even two weeks together as a family when I had to pack up my lunchbox with  so I could head off to work. It's a long story and one that I'm trying not hold on to so that I can move on. My son was only 11 days old. I literally just had a baby and there I was going back to work. Leaving my sweet baby at home at such a young age tore at my heart, but I knew I was doing the right thing. My family needed me to work. I had to rely on that inner strength again. People are shocked when they hear about what I did. I know I overcame a great obstacle and everything worked out. I thought that that was the hardest thing I'd ever do. I was wrong again.

   Loving my son proves me wrong everyday. The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is acknowledge that my sweet baby will grow up and that every precious moment I have with him must be cherished within that exact moment. Tonight we were snuggled up listening to lullabies. While the sweet melodies carried him off to sleep they made me tear up. Being a mom is the most rewarding and heart breaking job I can imagine. I don't need years of experience to know that. These few months have taught me that lesson rather quickly.

   Each time I hold him, each time he smiles at me with that mischievous look in eyes, each time he reaches out for me to hold him is a fleeting moment in time. He won't always be this small. He won't always need me like this. He's growing and getting bigger each day while also becoming just a tiny bit more independent. That's where the heart break comes in. All of those milestones are something to celebrate. I'm so excited that he figured out how to crawl forward. Then it makes me sad because it's one more step that  my little man has taken toward changing and heading into his next stage. Bittersweet is the perfect word to describe what it is to be a mom. 

   Listening to lullabies has taught me something. They are soft, slow and beautiful. While they help little ones slow down and drift off to dreamland, they help sooth a parent's soul by reaching out to them to help them slow down and enjoy the beautiful moments. So I'll take a breath and try to slow down my mind. I'll tell it to stop always thinking about tomorrow and just focus on today. 


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Updating Fail

I don't know what to write. I just know that I want to. When I first started this blog I loved it. I was motivated and ready to post and share about fitness- but something has changed. My life isn't just about focusing on fitness anymore. My life is about my whole well being and this is why I believe I haven't been able to continue posting. Since my son was born 7 months ago my time and energy had to be invested in learning how to be a mom, a wife, a teacher, a friend and a person. I've been trying to find the new me. I felt like I couldn't continue to write a blog about losing weight when that is not what I have been focusing on.

I miss writing though. There are times when I'm holding my son and the urge to write and share my feelings about a sweet baby snuggled up with me is so strong I want to jump on my computer at that moment so my fingers can fly across the  keys and record every moment so it's never forgotten. My outlet used to be writing.Lord knows I need an outlet. When I sit down and reflect on my day or what's really on my mind I feel at peace. Clarity comes to me when I write and then I can go on with my day. It's therapeutic. When I was young I was told that writing was my "thing" and I abandoned it. I haven't taken the time to get better or to write about what matters to me most.

This blog will no longer be about just losing weight since it is just one aspect of my life. It's going to be a record of what's happening in my life. Perhaps one person will connect for a moment that reflects on life after having a baby, or maybe it will be about the moment when you just wish your hair would look the way you want it to because you're really not mad about your hair but it's just one more thing that isn't going the way you planned. I just need to write again and maybe then the updates will occur more.

Hugs and love,